Asking Myself “Do I Do That?”

It is a good habit to continually ask ourselves if we do something that we find annoying or problematic when others do it.

A few days ago, I was sitting at my favorite local café having lunch. Next to me were two people also having lunch and chatting. They seemed like nice people.

But they were not really chatting in the sense of having a conversation. One of the two people droned on incessantly in rapid-fire fashion with a nonstop slew of talk while the other person said perhaps a handful of words the entire time.

I occasionally glanced at the person being talked to and clocked a few instances when they attempted to insert a comment, only to be squelched by the inevitable barrage of words coming out of the other person’s mouth, followed by a subtle but clear annoyed facial expression.

This went on for a while. It became a bit distracting. When I was at the peak of my noticing the onslaught of words coming from one person’s mouth and the repeated talking over the other person, I had a moment of asking myself “Do I do that?”

The truth is, I am a talker. I like to talk. I am fully aware of that fact. Periodically I catch myself doing much like what the person next to me was doing, without pause vomiting forth words that have two negative effects.

First, it is just plain annoying. No one likes to be talked over. No one likes their side of a supposed conversation to be ignored.

Second, it violates one of the first rules of engaging in a meaningful conversation — being an active listener. The person talking over the other was not listening to their lunch companion at all. They were clearly there to say what they wanted to say and not hear what their companion wanted to say.

In “Having Good Conversations,” I wrote about this topic.

If I were to give a single piece of advice about better conversations, it’s this one. Be quiet. Listen. Really listen to what the other person(s) has to say. Only then reply, and do so in as concise and thoughtful a manner as possible.

I have my faults, but one thing I am proud of is I am good at self-reflection, or at least I am getting better at it. I attempt to hold myself to better behaviors. I try to be a better person.

So, when confronted with someone doing something I myself have done, and finding it annoying and a prime example of how to “not” have a conversation, I used it as a reinforcement learning moment. I answered the question with “Yes, I do that sometimes, and I should try to not.”

But this illustrates a bigger lesson about continually reflecting on how we behave and getting honest about whether it is good or bad, effective or ineffective. This works for many things in life.

When we see someone get angry with someone in an ugly and disrespectful way, we can ask ourselves if we ever do that too.

When we witness someone doing something that annoys a friend, partner, or coworker, we can ask ourselves if we do that too.

You get the idea. Stopping for a moment and asking ourselves if we ever do something that we find annoying or problematic when others do it can lead to continual self-improvement, better relationships, improved work performance and coworker cohesion, and increased happiness overall.

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