Do Not Depress in Advance
We all worry now and then but avoiding the tendency to dwell on the worst of possible future outcomes makes for a happier life.
Generally, I’m an upbeat person. My demeanor tends to be perceived as friendly. My writings are typically positive and not mired in doom and gloom. Even when I write about horrific things like the current American political climate or climate change, my approach is to elevate tangible action tasks people can do to improve the situation rather than focus entirely on the negative.
That said, I’m here to confess that I often privately catastrophize, going down a depression rabbit hole from which I must dig myself out. Such depressions aren’t debilitating. I know people with severe clinical depression and my depressive moods don’t compare to theirs. But like all human beings, I’m also not always walking around with the rosiest of outlooks on the inside. Now and then things feel a bit dark. I guess that’s just part of the human condition.
The malady with which I struggle is what I’ve termed “depressing in advance,” meaning that even in situations for which I don’t yet know the ultimate outcome, I mentally move ahead to some of the worst possible outcomes and ruminate on them. It’s not healthy. My guess is lots of other people do this too. Still, since it’s been happening the last few days, I thought I’d write about it in case others might experience the same pattern.
What prompted the current downward spiral? At the moment, I’m doing a 3–4 week cream treatment that kills precancer cells in my face and scalp. It’s not fun. I’m glad I blocked out some time so I can look like a cheap Halloween version of Deadpool for a few weeks. With my skin cancer history, doing this is wise and I’ve been strategizing for a while with my dermatologist when to do this treatment.
All that’s fine. I can deal with it. But a spot has emerged on my right ear that worries me. More than a decade ago I had some extreme skin cancer surgery done on that ear. They even had to skin graft from my leg to the back of my ear. Fun huh? I had a great surgeon, but I recall overhearing him say to his assistant something about “saving my ear.” Which I’m glad he did of course, but those words stuck in my head, and it makes anything happening with that ear going forward worrying.
When my dermatologist looks at the spot next week is she going to declare it likely cancer and refer me for surgery? Probably. I’m prepared for that. Am I going to eventually lose my right ear during that surgery? I don’t know. Maybe? Probably not? I just don’t know and therein lies the “depressing in advance” that sometimes happens with me. I now project weeks into the future to an event for which I haven’t a clue what the outcome will be and assume what I consider the worst.
I have coping mechanisms. If this phenomenon happens to you, maybe they’ll help.
Last night I came up with a few clever screen names for the hookup apps I occasionally use. OneEaredGuy was my favorite. One of my coping mechanisms is to make light of things and try to figure out how I would best adapt if something like losing an ear happened. It helps. Maybe there are people out there turned on by one-eared guys. Who knows. There’s a lid for every pot, as they say.
Another coping mechanism is looking out at the world, seeing so many people in far worse situations than losing an ear, and realizing it could be far worse. I see people with no limbs or who are blind or dealing with any of a number of challenges and they’re often thriving and happy.
Such a situation happened years ago just prior to my right ear surgery when I was visiting a friend in the hospital. I was in the waiting room and glanced at an extremely beautiful, well-dressed woman with long hair looking at her phone. She casually brushed her hair behind her left ear and there was a silver ear. At first, I thought it was jewelry, but no. It was a fabricated ear, probably polished stainless steel, and this woman absolutely rocked it. I don’t believe in the universe aligning things, but I sure needed to see something like that when my ear was about to go under the knife.
Being meaningfully productive and useful also helps me deal with depressive episodes. What can I write that might help others? How can I do something for my community that will improve the lives of others? What actions can I take to improve the local or national political landscape? How can I help my friend who’s severely ill and might need some assistance?
Nothing takes you out of a dark place like helping others. I know that from experience. Anytime I’m a bit down, I figure out if there’s a way I can help other people, and then I do it. Inevitably I feel better.
Socializing with friends also helps. Despite me looking crappy at the moment, I have plans to join friends this coming weekend for a brief social outing at a bar. These are really good friends. I had originally decided to not go because of vanity, but I’m going to push through that and go. Dim bar lighting will be a plus. I know socializing will help.
Exercise, eating well, and plenty of sleep help too. Going for long brisk walks is a coping tactic I utilize frequently. Yoga and exercise sessions are great. The better my diet and the more good sleep I get, the better I feel overall. It helps blunt any depression going on.
I don’t currently see a therapist, but a few years ago when I experienced one of the darkest times of my life I did. It helped considerably at the time. So, if you’re ever in a really dark mindset, I highly recommend therapy. Having someone skilled with whom to share your unvarnished truth and worries can be valuable.
Anyway, thanks for reading. One of my coping mechanisms is writing and putting words onto a screen. If you’re a person walking the planet, you’ve likely experienced some depressed moments. But if you can avoid depressing in advance, do so. There’s really no use worrying too much about future outcomes over which you have no real control.
Philosophy is one of my passions. Stoicism teaches that while we can’t control everything in life, we can control how we respond to what happens. If the worst comes to pass and I lose my right ear, I’m going to embrace my OneEaredGuy persona and rock it. Maybe I’ll get a cool silver ear. I will make lemonade out of any lemons life throws at me. I hope you can too.
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