So, You’re New to Kink

Of all the questions I’ve been asked over the years about kink, without a doubt the most frequently asked is “I’m new to kink. How do I get started?”

As someone steeped in kink culture and communities for approximately 50 years (wow, I’m old), it makes sense that people would ask me for such advice. I have my opinions, but I thought I’d ask my extensive network of kinksters around the world what advice they would give.

So, I posted this on Facebook, Twitter, and FetLife (the world’s biggest kink connection platform).

Kinksters, this is for an article. No name will be attributed to the response you give here.

Someone new to kink asks you how to get started exploring it. What is your one best piece of advice?

People from all walks of the kink, BDSM, and fetish worlds answered.

In the interest of brevity, I went through all the answers and have crafted the following as a blended amalgam of the answers I received.

Learn about consent.

Consent is sexy. Consent can take many forms but it’s essentially making sure you get permission from someone to touch them, play with them, or do certain erotic or kink activities with them.

Consent is ongoing. It’s not a one-time thing, meaning that just because someone says yes to something doesn’t mean it’s a yes forever. Consent can even be altered or withdrawn while you’re in the middle of erotic play. Check out How To Talk About Sex (And Consent): 4 Lessons From The Kink Community for an excellent explanation of consent.

Meet people.

Meet other kinksters. Kinksters are people who engage in kink and perhaps move within kink communities. Notice I used the plural there. There isn’t just one kink community. There are so many kinds of kink and kinksters that it’s a huge overlapping network of communities that are all kinky but often in quite different ways.

Try to meet people in the flesh and not just online. Online is a necessary component of the contemporary kink world, but nothing replaces staring into the eyes of another person and connecting.

Another good way to meet people is at what is often called a munch. Sometimes you can make initial contact with a community online and they can point you to munches or other in-person group meeting opportunities in your area.

Let me offer a phrase an ex of mine often said, “The red flags are not waiving you in.” If you sense anything not quite right about a person or situation, heed that gut feeling.

There are online connection/hookup sites such as Recon for men who play with men and FetLife for the entire range of orientations.

If you’re a newcomer, never pretend you’re not. Since some of kink involves power exchange, don’t give your power to anyone or ask for power over someone else until you trust the other person completely.

Volunteer.

Volunteering to help with a kink event, class, club, organization, venue, or party is a great way to meet people. While meeting those people you end up having conversations about the kink scene and how to best explore it.

Investigate kink online, but be cautious.

The modern kinkster tends to utilize social media, the web, and connection sites to investigate kink and connect with others. This is a great way to explore and connect, but do so with a bit of caution. Most people are great, but there are always those handful of people who will take advantage of others or violate consent.

Online information about kink ranges from crappy to superb. Don’t take anything at immediate face value.

If you decide to meet someone you don’t know in real time, do so in a public place if you can. Tell someone who you’re meeting and where you’ll be. If you sense a red flag, heed it.

These precautions are appropriate, but I don’t want to give you the impression the kink scene is awash in bad actors. There are some. These precautions are meant to keep you at arm’s length from them. When you meet kinksters, ask them outright if there is anyone you should avoid.

Learn about negotiation.

The kink scene has at its core the concept of negotiation. Negotiation is simply you and a potential play partner dialoguing about interests, fantasies, safe words and safe signals (ways to verbally or physically indicate you need play to pause, adjust, or stop), and anything else needed to make sure you and your partner have a fun and safe time. Read Negotiating kink — share yes/no/maybe lists for one take on negotiation.

Remember, if you can’t say no, you can’t say yes.

Read, listen, watch.

There are lots of books, websites, videos, podcasts, and articles about kink. An online search will help you find them. Search for “kink” or “BDSM” or “fetish” or any descriptor that defines what you’re looking for and you’ll see a lot of options in the results.

Beware of reading or listening to one thing and assuming it’s the truth. Do lots of cross-referencing. Community consensus tends to percolate good ideas, concepts, and tips into common discussion. If something seems off to you, it just might be.

Here is a good book list. Let me also make a pitch for my book which is currently only available in Kindle format but it’s a good one for those new to BDSM: Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun BDSM Lovemaking. (I plan to do another update of my book at some point and also publish it in paperback format. Stay tuned.)

Let me also suggest Watts the Safeword, a podcast that caters to the LGBTQ kinky crowd but offers an abundance of great information for anyone of any orientation who wants to learn about kink.

Think about your kink.

What type(s) of kink are you interested in? Do you even know yet? What do you think about when you masturbate? Kink is a huge umbrella under which reside all sorts of erotic and sexual play including BDSM, fetish, roleplay, gear, and much more.

When someone says kink, ask them to be specific. There are a variety of kinks and associated communities to explore. Some overlap a lot. Some not so much.

Take classes.

The kink scene is chock-full of educational opportunities in the form of classes, workshops, presentations, and discussion groups. I can’t point you to specific ones, but during your online and in-person investigations ask about them.

If you see a class advertised, check it out. It’s usually a safe place to learn. That said, realize you don’t have to get a degree in kink to enjoy it or be good at it. Often you can take a few classes and learn all you need to know to have a fun and safe time. But taking at least a few classes can definitely be beneficial in your explorations.

Avoid absolutes.

Apart from consent and basic physical and emotional safety, there aren’t a lot of absolutes in kink. If someone tells you there is only one way to be or play in kink, don’t buy it. I’ve been in the kink scene a long time and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that no two kinksters are exactly alike and therefore there’s no one right way to do kink or be kinky.

Being a decent human being is always the foundation of good interactions, kink included.

Take it slow.

Don’t rush into anything. Whether it’s actual kink play or your comfort level with social interactions, going slow is always advised. If someone tries to rush you into play or a situation, don’t do it. Take your time. It helps to get to know people and yourself better before proceeding with play.

Find a mentor, or not.

You’ll often hear the advice to get a kink mentor, someone who will personally guide you and answer your questions. It’s good advice, but everyone doesn’t want or need a mentor. Sometimes a network of friends in established kink communities can suffice as your mentors.

Some of us learn best one-on-one. Some of us learn best in groups. The point is to find people who can answer your questions and who will not try to take advantage of your newcomer status. Always ask questions, lots of questions. How else are you going to learn if you don’t ask?

Attend events.

Once you’ve begun to investigate the kink scene you’ll realize there are an abundance of kink events, especially in North America, Europe, and Australia. Attend the ones that seem interesting to you. Some events are social. Some educational. Some play.

Much of the kink scene these days takes place at such events, local, national, and international. Ask your mentor or mentor network which ones might be good for you to attend.

One thing you’ll often hear as advice, especially for BDSM, is to play at play parties. If you’re inclined to play in an exposed public setting, that’s great advice because there’s usually safety when surrounded by other kinksters or party staff that help keep things safe. Such parties are also great opportunities to learn by watching and listening.

But not everyone likes public play, even as an observer. You might need to investigate your kink in private, which means you’ll need to increase the rigor of your safety valves and vetting investigations.

These days there are also online events and those can be a great way to meet people and learn while feeling safe behind your laptop.

Beware of creeps and controllers.

While the vast majority of kinksters are wonderful people, the scene sadly has a few awful characters that will take advantage of newcomers. They might just be a bit creepy which is easy enough to avoid. But some try to use their supposed superior kink knowledge or experience as a way to control newcomers in an unhealthy way. In the worst of cases, there are rapists of various stripes.

One of the best ways to avoid getting involved with such people is to ask around your kink network about that person. What sort of reputation do they have? Ask as many people as you can. That’s how the kink scene has functioned since first emerging as an organized scene, vetting others through referrals.

Don’t feel you have to be an all-purpose kinkster.

Some kinky people like just one or two ways of being kinky. Others have a smorgasbord of options that they like. There’s no one right set of kinks you should enjoy or partake in with others. Do what resonates with you. Never be coerced into something you don’t like.

Establish realistic expectations.

Don’t expect your reality to match your masturbation fantasies. Some fantasies should remain fantasies. Remember that kinky porn is not necessarily kinky real life. In fact, it rarely is real life.

While a good kink experience can be mind-blowingly enjoyable, not every experience will be. That’s fine. As long as what you’re doing is safe, consensual, and something you want to explore, you’ll have just okay experiences mixed in with the remarkable ones. That’s how life is generally and kink is no different.

Realize different communities function different ways.

A gay men’s group will function differently than a heterosexual group or a pansexual group. A BDSM club will have different protocols and norms that a foot fetish meetup. People have all sorts of sexual orientations, gender expressions, ways of having sex and playing, and forms of socializing. Don’t assume all kinksters are the same or that all kink communities are alike. They differ, sometimes drastically.

Have fun!

Finally, this is all supposed to be fun. If it’s not fun, don’t do it. Never allow yourself to remain in a situation that isn’t fun for you no matter what someone might say, even if you perceive that person to have lots of notoriety in the kink scene.

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